There is this subject that always raises doubts - should I be more assertive and when? We are going to learn together now what is assertiveness and how is it different from aggression or passiveness so we can lift the stigma from this style of communication because it is very healthy to express yourself, your emotions, and thoughts without invading other peoples rights, even if we don’t always agree.

Assertiveness is a key communication skill that can be positioned on the spectrum of passive - passive-aggressive - aggressive communication styles. Where would you position assertiveness?

Assertiveness is not just a communication technique or skill it is also a way to manage stress levels in your life. People that tend to avoid confrontations and seldom use the word “no” are not dealing with the problem but, instead, they are shoving it “under the rug”. Doing that often can build up and raise that “rug” so we get lost, invisible, and still left with the same problems.

Assertiveness is a way to express your own opinions and points of view, while also respecting other people's rights, opinions, and attitudes.

Now it’s time to assess your own communication style. Imagine a line going from aggressive to passive - what would you put in between? Of course, you can put passive-aggressive but where would you put assertiveness?

Truth is that assertiveness does not go on the same line because that is not simply the response like being aggressive or passive or passive-aggressive. With assertiveness, you are trying to invest in relationships in hard moments, moments of conflict and that is something that requires your engagement, not only responsiveness. Also, being assertive means that you can detach yourself from your own emotions and remain focused which is a mental skill worth investing into.

Just look at all the benefits of assertive communication.

  • overall improving the communication skills and betterment in delivering the desired message
  • better relationships (more true and trustworthy)
  • increase in self-esteem and self-confidence
  • better stress and anger management, and better self-understanding
  • improvement in confrontation skills
  • even better job satisfaction where you spend a lot of time

What remains as a question is, how to be more assertive?

First of all, you have to assess your own style so you know exactly what you need to change to voice your opinion more often or more adequately. What is it that you want to change?

A most common thing to change in everyday situations (on the job or with friends) is learning how to say “no” more often. People tend to say “yes” in most situations because they want to make good impressions, please others, or simply be good co-workers. There is nothing wrong with that but, if you never or very seldom say “no”, that means you are heading for not so pleasant state of resentment and stress. Use “I messages” and stick to them!

“I would like to help you but I simply don’t have the time now for that so I have to say NO”. You addressed your feelings and wishes but also you stuck with your possibilities at the given moment. Notice that I didn’t apologize for my opinion, now that’s what I call being assertive. Job well done.

You can try this skill in a safe environment, with someone you feel generally good with and, after first steps and practice, you can try out your assertiveness in a more challenging situation. It is normal to feel nervous at first because this is a new situation for you but that is no excuse for postponing the assertive style of communication - remember, it’s a skill, you can and will become better at it.

By doing this more often, finding your inner voice, practicing assertive ways of dealing with difficult situations, little by little, you stop being a mere respondent in a relationship and become someone that is willingly choosing their own way of growth.